1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didnâ€™t.
2.. I donâ€™t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because itâ€™s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Donâ€™t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. Youâ€™re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. Iâ€™m not a complete idiot â€” Some parts are just missing.
10..Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12..God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13..The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14..Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15..Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16..Being â€œover the hillâ€ is much better than being under it!
17..Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19..I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20..A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21..A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs. A dayâ€™s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27..The trouble with life is thereâ€™s no background music.
28..The original point and click inter face was a Smith & Wesson.
29..I smile because I donâ€™t know what the hell is going on.